Let me see if you can run it, run it...

I'm going to bed tonight with a full and grateful heart. Tonight, I and my roommate ran a 5K race at Brookgreen Gardens. I actually got a time (36:52) close to my PR! It's been almost 3 years since I ran a race and there have been some dark times in those 3 years. I don't know if I can say that I'm totally on the other side of the valley, but I'm almost there. As much as I hate running while I'm actually doing it, there's something to be said for the sense of accomplishment I feel when crossing the finish line. But the thing that makes it the most special is hearing the cheers and seeing the smiles of the people I love and cherish. Knowing that they are proud of me and that they support the hard work I put into it makes it so much more fulfilling. So to Mom, Dad, Robbie, Lisa, Hannah, Joshie, Nicole, Holly, and Jenn...thank you. I love you all and am so appreciative of how you support me. I don't take it for granted.

my roomie and me after the race (obvs, why else would our faces be this red?)



















me and my sweet fam


Dad was gonna push me around if I needed it...

oh, and the shell was from Hannah - I consider it my "medal"


Holly and Jenn planned to hold these at the finish line, but they ran into a little snafu with the gate being locked...so they put the posters on the car!

Holy Saturday

I find myself identifying with the disciples right now. They had just spent all that time with Jesus, eating the Last Supper, and fully expecting that he would deliver them. Probably in a big, loud, mighty way. As he was being beaten and crucified, I wonder if they were thinking, "So when are you going to save us? What are you doing?" And then he died.

Silence.

Jesus was gone.

What happened to all those promises he made to them? What about all the hope and joy he said they would have? Where was that? To the disciples, it seemed as though he had failed. He didn't come through for them. He was dead.

And then, Saturday. An entire day of dreadful nothingness. No word from God. No sight of the Messiah. Melissa from the LPM blog puts it this way:

Faith and hope are non-existent from dawn to dusk. As Alan Lewis says poignantly in regard to Holy Saturday: “death is given time and space to be itself, in all its coldness and helplessness” (Alan E. Lewis, Between Cross and Resurrection: A Theology of Holy Saturday, 37). A disquieting thought, right? You know, God could have willed from eternity past that Jesus would be resurrected a fragment of a second after he died on the cross. But He didn’t. Holy Saturday: an entire day when God was presumably absent from the scene and no answers were offered but a mocking, chilling silence. We’re talking here about humankind having literally no hope and no confidence of redemption secured or battles won.

That's where I am in my life right now. No answers. No end in sight to this depression. God's not coming through for me like I expected. But I have to desperately hold on to hope. The hope that maybe God is doing something. The hope that maybe there's more to this story than I can see with my eyes. I don't know that for sure. But I'm clinging to it for dear life. I'm clinging to Jesus for dear life, waiting on the resurrection.

He's still God

Last night, I was feeling rather lonely. Wistful, I guess you could call it. And I was telling God about it and asking him, as I have many times before, when marriage will happen for me. How much longer, Lord? This stinks! You know how this breaks my heart. And then, the Holy Spirit impressed this upon my heart: praise God. Of course, it sounds simple, but for some reason when God speaks, no matter how simple it sounds in words, it means so much. It can be so complex. Agh, I wish I could explain it better than this. He was saying to me, "I am still God. Nothing has changed. I still know best. I am still in control. Even if you feel like I'm not in control or think I am purposely hurting you, truth is still truth. I am worthy to be praised when you feel like praising Me and when you don't feel like praising Me." So I told God that I trust Him. I trust Him even though I don't understand. And I think I'm going to have to keep telling Him (well, really telling myself) that over and over again, because doubt creeps in so easily. I have to claim the truth (that God is all-knowing and all-powerful) to be free.

miracles

There are days, as a teacher, that I come home and wonder what the heck I'm doing. I'm not really making a difference. I can't. There's too much I'm up against. I try to help these kids, but any good effect I can have on them is erased as soon as they go home. Please don't misunderstand: I'm not saying that I'm all good and the parents are all bad. And there are many parents who really do support their child's education and well-being. But since my class is comprised of "at-risk" students, I don't interact with those supportive parents much. You'd think that the home environments of many of these kids would be enough for someone to do something. I wish I could say to them, do you see what you are doing? Do you even care that your child is dirty, always comes to school hungry, never gets a good night's sleep, doesn't wear a coat when it's cold even though they had one in their bookbag last week? If poverty means having a huge TV or video games to keep your child out of your hair but not enough money to buy them clothes that fit, then I don't understand it and I don't want to accept it. I've been reading a book by Beth Moore about insecurity, and the current chapter talks about having a passion, something that keeps us striving toward a goal outside of ourselves so that we don't become so wrapped up in our own lives. And I was thinking that my passion could be these kids, the ones in my class that just need love and attention. But even if I give them my love and attention, is that enough? Can it still be my passion when I get so frustrated with the parent who consistently puts her child in danger by staying with an abusive spouse? What kind of change can I make when I'm fighting against a mom who is with her 4th live-in boyfriend and having her 5th child?

And then. It hit me.

I can't. Only God can.

All I can do is pray that God will use me to perform a miracle in their lives.

All I can do is hug my students, ask them about how their morning was.

All I can do is put Band-Aids on his boo-boos, give him clean socks, and love him.

Jesus does the rest.

Lord, have mercy on these little hearts.

why

Usually during the Christmas or Easter season, I tend to focus on one particular part of Jesus' birth or death/resurrection. The past week or so, I've been thinking a lot about Jesus' death on the cross, especially when he was forsaken by God the Father. God had to turn His back on His own Son. I'm sure Jesus' heart was broken that the people he was dying to save had no clue how much they were hurting him. And I'm sure that Jesus' physical pain was unbearable. But I would think that the most difficult part of his death was being rejected by His Father. Can you imagine what it would be like to talk to God and know that He could not listen? He had to turn away from you and do nothing? No, we can't. We can't imagine that, because it's never happened to us. We have always been able to access the Lord through our relationship with Christ. Even before we knew we wanted to talk to God, even when we were sinners, Jesus died. For us. So we could have a way to the Father. This song by (surprise) Nichole Nordeman has been shattering my heart lately. It so accurately describes what it must have been like for Jesus to cry out to God when he was on the cross.

Click here to listen to the song. I hope God uses it to break your heart like He has mine!

looking back...

I always put off posting new blogs because I never know quite how to put it into words. I think my best ideas/thoughts hit me while I'm running, but once I get home and open up my macbook, it's like I turn into a bumbling fool who can't seem to come up with the right words. In the middle of all the busyness, I did want to reflect on 2009 and then look ahead to 2010. The year 2009 was actually quite an eventful one, though not in all the ways I had hoped. I memorized 16 Scriptures, thanks to Beth. I was so moved by a reunion at the Catalyst conference that I began sponsoring a child with Compassion International. I participated in and completed a 10-day Daniel fast with my church for the first time. I became an aunt to THE most darling baby you've ever seen. I started running and discovered discipline I never knew I had (or, more accurately, discipline was given to me from a merciful and gracious God). I was able to complete three 5K races and even one 8K race! So, after looking at all these things, I asked myself, "What do I want 2010 to look like? What do I want to do differently?" I realized that almost all of the things I wanted to change are things that are under my control. Um, hello there, HUGE WEIGHT on my shoulders. It seems so simple when I write the list: grow in godliness, lose weight/eat healthier, memorize more Scripture...but it seems impossible when I try to live it out! How can I be given the discipline to exercise regularly for over a year and not have discipline to eat the right way? Doesn't discipline = discipline, no matter what area? The way that I finally got into the habit of running wasn't to start running 3 miles a day...I worked up to it gradually. So how can I do that with eating healthier?

As a sidenote, I was feeling this frustration as well with my daily quiet times with God. I didn't seem to have the discipline to be consistent with studying the Bible. However, since the beginning of the year, I am reading through the entire Bible with my church in 90 days and WHOA. God is starting a revolution in my heart! He's making His Word come alive - even the Old Testament! I'm so grateful that He has allowed me to stay with the reading so far. I am praying that He will continue to give me the grace and stamina to complete it. "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Finish it in me, Lord!

Christmas Break plans

Well hi, there, Mr. Bloggy. I've missed you. I honestly don't know why I haven't updated in such a long time. Maybe I haven't had the time, maybe my life hasn't been that interesting, maybe I haven't had the mental energy to come up with something. Whatever the case may be, I'm out for Christmas vacay and loving it already!! For my little break, I have a few things I want to get done or catch up on:

• clean my car thoroughly so it doesn't "smell" like Mom says it does. whatev.
• finish shopping/wrapping presents, of course
• maybe tackle the Christmas cookie adventure?
• laundry (does it ever end?!)
• read (I checked out 7 books from the library today - we'll see if I get to all of them by January 4)

Also, I'll be going up to Charlotte for a day or two to see the extended fam, babysitting my niece (as much as humanly possible), and singing at the Christmas Eve service at my church.

What little projects/goals/activities do you have planned for the next week or two?