I was at the pool the other day, and there was a family beside me in the pool - a man, his wife/girlfriend (I didn't see any rings, but he was calling her "babe" and the kids were calling her Mom and him Dad), and two kids. The wife/gf left to go back to their condo, so the kids were playing in the pool and the dad was sitting in the lounge chair. He had called someone, asking how they were doing because he knew they were facing a tough time. I gathered from the conversation that this person was either facing a separation or divorce or something like that, and he was offering encouragement and support. It concerned me, though, when he said, "you'll come out of this stronger, prettier, and better." I realized he was talking to a woman. Now, you may be saying, whoa, Melody, what's the big deal? He's just a friend, helping another friend. Now, I know there are extenuating circumstances, and I can't jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to strangers. But I can't help but think, you are asking for trouble if you are married and you are talking to someone of the opposite sex about intimate details of your life. In fact, I have a good friend whose husband began an affair by talking to another woman about her marital problems. It opened the door for an emotional bond, which then turned into a physical bond. I know it probably seems weird for me, being single, to be worried about how married people behave. But one of my goals is to live like I am planning to marry. I don't do anything by myself with a guy unless it is clear that it is a date. Thus far, no dates, so no alone time with a boy! Call me old-fashioned, but by opening myself up to a close friendship with a guy, I'm putting my heart out there without receiving some sort of commitment in return. What do you think? Can guys and girls be friends without one or the other expecting a relationship to come out of it?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
when-harry-met-sally-ish thoughts
I was at the pool the other day, and there was a family beside me in the pool - a man, his wife/girlfriend (I didn't see any rings, but he was calling her "babe" and the kids were calling her Mom and him Dad), and two kids. The wife/gf left to go back to their condo, so the kids were playing in the pool and the dad was sitting in the lounge chair. He had called someone, asking how they were doing because he knew they were facing a tough time. I gathered from the conversation that this person was either facing a separation or divorce or something like that, and he was offering encouragement and support. It concerned me, though, when he said, "you'll come out of this stronger, prettier, and better." I realized he was talking to a woman. Now, you may be saying, whoa, Melody, what's the big deal? He's just a friend, helping another friend. Now, I know there are extenuating circumstances, and I can't jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to strangers. But I can't help but think, you are asking for trouble if you are married and you are talking to someone of the opposite sex about intimate details of your life. In fact, I have a good friend whose husband began an affair by talking to another woman about her marital problems. It opened the door for an emotional bond, which then turned into a physical bond. I know it probably seems weird for me, being single, to be worried about how married people behave. But one of my goals is to live like I am planning to marry. I don't do anything by myself with a guy unless it is clear that it is a date. Thus far, no dates, so no alone time with a boy! Call me old-fashioned, but by opening myself up to a close friendship with a guy, I'm putting my heart out there without receiving some sort of commitment in return. What do you think? Can guys and girls be friends without one or the other expecting a relationship to come out of it?
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Even though I'm pretty sure you know this already, I totally agree with you! Marriage/purity/fidelity is not something to mess around with. Great topic, and it's great that you're taking a stand!! Along the same lines, check out this blog...www.flowerdust.net... she has a good point today!
ReplyDeleteTherapist Mark here. I agree that the guy should not be calling someone else as soon as his wife walked away, and saying prettier is a no-no. But I think you are setting yourself up for missing out on some of the truly amazing things about a relationship. No guy, no guy, I repeat, no guy wants to go out on a date where there are such high expectations. We want to know that we can communicate with you as a friend first, without the pressure that it has to lead somewhere. We want to hang out, goof off, have fun, be stupid, without thinking of marriage and kids. That will come in time. To not put your heart out there is truly doing yourself a diservice. You have to experience the sour so you know what the sweet is. Guard your heart in the sense that you don't fall head over heels with every guy who wants to go see a movie. But...do go see a movie with a guy, do go to a ball game, do go grab some lunch. Don't try to clarify and analyze the relationship. Just let it be what it is.
ReplyDeleteOh...you have to approve my comments? I'm screwed.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Mark, the only reason I have for moderating comments is so nothing inappropriate is on my blog! I'm glad you offered your advice! After thinking about it some more and talking with people about it, I think I need to clarify a few things. First, even if I were on a date with a guy, which I haven't been, I'm not asking him when we're getting married or how many kids we are gonna have. But what's the point of hanging out with a guy and even spending alone time with him if he doesn't want a relationship? That's a waste of my time and affections. Plus, I'm not going to ask those questions unless it's absolutely necessary. I'd love for my family and friends to be able to ask him what his intentions are for me: dating, just friends, not interested romantically, etc. Second, the more I can guard my heart, the better. It'd be ideal if I could just be able to say that I gave my heart to my husband, and not a bunch of random guys along the way. This doesn't mean that I'm not open to a relationship...good gracious, I am! I just don't want to give away my time and my attention to a guy that just wants to be friends. Third, I completely agree that I should be friends with guys, get to know them, hang out...but just not one on one, unless he and I both know it's a date. "Date" doesn't mean we are getting engaged, it just means we are interested in finding out if the other person is right for us as a marriage partner. I know I sound really old-fashioned, but I honestly like the idea of my parents/friends/mentors asking, "What are you intentions for Melody? Are you pursuing marriage at this point in your life?" And I don't mean to be offensive, but I'm not satisfied with letting it "be what it is." I want a man who won't hide behind "let's just hang out." And I think it's important for you to know that I haven't even had any opportunities to hang out with a guy one on one, so I guess this whole conversation is pointless so far. Does this make sense? I feel like I just babbled on and on! :)
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